It's Piewheel.

What Is This?

I'm not sure, exactly. I decided I wanted to start tracking things about my life and my experience with it a while ago. But I could never figure out exactly what to track, and I always made it too hard for myself. Like, I have to make an app to do it. Or some ohter such nonsense.

So today, I got a charting library, and a bootstrap theme, and I'm going to chart my shit. I'll just add it manually. Maybe refactor over time. But Get Things Started, you know?

So that's where I think I'm at today. At least off the top of my head. Not doing amazing. But I'm getting better. I got this place so I can be a better parent. Because dammit, that's something that's been eating at me ever since I moved out. I want those kids to have a dad, and I haven't been one.
1/4/2016

Do It.

I'm really good. Really good at thinking up ways that things would be better. I use those ways to rationalize why I'm not actually doing anything. Like, keeping a journal would be so much easier if I could just talk and have it automatically transcribed. Or, keeping a mood diary / behaviour tracker would be so much better if I could do it in five taps on my phone.

Obviously those things would be better, but you know what would be even better than that? If I actually did the things I keep talking about doing. The things I know I should do, that I tell myself I want to do. Maybe it's like voting - if I'm not actually doing the thing, I'm not allowed to complain about how it sucks and what would make it better.

I have done some programming lately, but I need to do more. I also need to tell my partner how I'm feeling - that I don't see him making an effort, and that I feel undervalued in the partnership. Administration seems to be lacking - I will make a to do list for admin tasks. I also need to get this place ready if I want the kids to be able to come over sometime soon.

Rut

That's what I feel like I've been stuck in lately. I don't know why I feel that way. Oh wait, yes I do. It's because I haven't been getting things done that I want to get done. Things like paying bills, setting up gas service (Still haven't done that one yet) and working on my side project.

I just moved into this place - maybe that has had something to do with it. I've also been spending more time with the kids, so that's likey a factor. One more thing is that I now have a 45 minute commune instead of a 15 minute one. That's an hour extra out of every day, right there.

So, yeah, there are a lot of things I could blame if I wanted to. But I know the truth. I've been smoking a lot of weed, and playing a lot of computer games. Both of those things make time magically disappear. And I have had a lot of time disappearing lately. I guess I've been doing those things to numb myself to the fact that I don't feel good. What do I not feel good about? That I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to!

What a double bind, eh? I guess that's what they say about depression - it's difficult to get out of becaue it's kind of a self-reinforcing loop. So, I guess it's time for me to pull myself up from my bootstraps, pull myself out of this rut. That's the only way anyone can ever get out of it, I think. Sure, the meds they give people might help that initial effort, but it takes sustained effort to stay out of the weeds.

That's the sticky part. Even if you help people out initially, it doesn't teach them how to stay out. I think it's really about willpower. Doing what you know you need to do, when you need to do it, whether you feel like it or not. That's how you take that self-reinforcing loop of depression and turn it on its head. But it also seems like one of the most difficult things to change about yourself. And by yourself I mean myself.

What Is This?

Do It.

Rut

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